Liberation

I’ve been liberated.

That sounds like such a funny statement coming from a 24 year old white female from the suburbs. What exactly do I have to be liberated from?

Well, until a few days ago I didn’t have an answer for that.

The other night, my housemate Sheila and I spent some time in companionable silence working on separate writing projects. There was the occasional sharing of what we had written, a question of how to spell a word or two (from me to Sheila) and some singing along to the music that was playing. I was lost in my own thoughts when Sheila asked me a question.

She wanted to know what I have been liberated from this year.

I was able to come up with a response right away (which really surprised me) but I’ve continued to think about her question since that night. It’s a question I don’t think I would have ever thought to ask myself but it’s one that I have discovered that I have more than one answer to.

Since college I’ve found myself liberated from…

…passing judgements too quickly. Seeing someone who wears the same clothes everyday and looks as though they haven’t bathed is NOT who a person is. Clothes and cleanliness don’t make a person.

…deciding what kind of a person someone is based on first meeting. Over the past couple of years I’ve really learned that life can change from day to day (even hour to hour) and that there are no guarantees. A bad day or a bad week doesn’t make a person anymore than the clothes they wear or the way they look.

…the need to have the newest and coolest clothes, shoes, electronics, etc. While there are times I really do wish I had a new pair of jeans or could afford to get a regular haircut at a nice salon I’ve learned to love and embrace only making $80 a month. It’s a challenge and gift.

Naming the things I’ve been liberated from (I’m sure there are many more to include as well) has been a powerful thing. Its allowed me to see how I’ve grown and changed and it has given me a new perspective on the life I want to continue to lead.

April…where the heck did you come from???

I would like to know how it came to be the last week in April when only yesterday it was December.

Unacceptable.

This month has gone by far too quickly for my liking.

Hmm…I’m having a hard time remembering what has happened this past month. Let’s see…

• Holy week was a beautiful experience but it felt like a whirlwind passing by!
• There was a really big fire the next block over very early in the morning the Monday after Easter. We were evacuated from our homes around 3:30am and weren’t able to return until late morning. It was quite the experience. Two firemen lost their lives and many people lost  their homes. Thank God for the men and women fighting the fire though. With the high winds and close proximity of homes and businesses it could have been much worse than it was.
• I sang karaoke for the first time with my housemates! That was a fun experience. The Song: Stop / The Artist: The Spice Girls
• We celebrated Claire’s birthday and enjoyed the summer like weather for a few days!
• I had my 3rd visitor during my time at the Inn! My friend Marlie came for a couple days and I had a chance to show her what I do and show her around Philly. It’s nice being able to share this part of my life with people from home. I’m really grateful to those who have been able to come see me while I’ve been in Philly.

For those of you who are more visual…here are a few pictures from the last month!

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Once Upon a Time…

**I recently watched the movie Julie & Julia. So not only do I have a desire to cook/bake more I am also feeling compelled to update my blog much more often**

At the end of last month, I had an opportunity to speak at a church during their Monday evening mass. My housemate, Sheila, and I both shared stories of our time as FVMs at St. Francis Inn. I don’t mind public speaking but for some reason I get more nervous when speaking in a church…so I over prepared. I wrote out nearly my whole speech. Once I starting speaking however, I was able to relax and I just used my written speech as a guideline. Since I wrote it all out though I figured I’d share a version of it with all of you!

Check it out!

After a year and half at St. Francis Inn I can honestly say I’m a changed person from when I first came to the Inn. I’ve grown up a lot. My faith has been tested—and it has grown stronger. I’ve learned to love in an entirely new way and I’ve been able to find joy and beauty in even the most depressing situations. I’ve been challenged, been brought to tears and laughed without reservation.

In short, it has been an amazing year and a half.

There are many things I love about working at St. Francis Inn but at the top of that list has to be the relationships that I have made—with my housemates, the St. Francis Inn community, and our guests.

Perhaps the most surprising of these relationships have been the ones I’ve formed with our guests. I never thought I would care so deeply for the people I get to serve.

I know some guests better than others and there are some that I have grown very attached to. With these guests, their triumphs can become my triumphs, their losses my losses, their heartaches my heartaches and their joys my joys. It’s not hard to form these kinds of attachments when so many of our guests seem so willing to pour out their hearts and are so desperately seeking for someone to talk to. I’ve spent many days and nights—long after work at the Inn is through—thinking about, frustrated with and praying for many of our guests.

There is one guest who comes to mind. His name is Danny—I’m not actually sure what his last name is. Danny is an addict. A very severe addict. Alcohol is his drug of choice but it’s not his only addiction.

Danny drives me crazy. He’s made an impact on my life like no one else. He frustrates me, depresses me and fills me with joy. All of these feelings are dependent on his sobriety.

Danny has to have more lives than anyone I’ve ever met before. There have been countless days where we’ve seen Danny bloody and bruised, covered in his own filth—each time I think it’s going to be the last time I will see him. This image of Danny—alone, pathetic and hopeless is the way he is most of the time.

There is a different Danny though. A sober one. He can be funny, kind and honest. He can remember names and conversations. He can stand without holding on to the wall. This Danny is how I wish he could always be but his sobriety never seems to last more than a couple months.

This brutal cycle of near death to sober living is exhausting to watch. The one question I am so eager to ask God is what his plan for Danny is. Why put one man through so much? Why not give Danny the strength to get and stay clean?

One evening I was sharing this question with Judy, a lay volunteer in the St. Francis Inn community, and her response is something I’ve thought about nearly everyday since. She said that maybe God’s plan for Danny isn’t about Danny at all. Maybe God’s plan for him is about us.

That’s something I can’t stop thinking about. Maybe God is trying my patience or testing my love. I’m not quite sure yet but I’m eager to find out.

Sometimes I am in disbelief that this is actually my life. I thank God for the blessings he has given me. The beauty he has allowed me to find in even the most desolate of conditions is truly breathtaking.

I’ve become attached—to a place and more importantly to people who were once strangers. 

There you have it!

**I’m happy to announce that since I spoke these words Danny has nearly 30 days sober! He came by to visit last week and he looks great!**

I’m still here!

Well, it’s been a while. About 7 months actually. Not much has happened…just kidding. Actually, too much has happened. How about I give a brief run-down of the past 7 months?

• There have been many struggles in the last 7 months. It’s been a tough adjustment from last year to this year. There have been really great moments and moments when it’s all been a bit too much. I’ve spent considerable time questioning if another year of volunteer work was for me. I’ve realized though that the difficult times are what make this experience so important and worthwhile. Even when I feel like crying and miss being around my family and friends I still come to the conclusion time and again that I’m not ready to leave St. Francis Inn yet. And that’s when I know that all my crazy emotions are worth getting over…I need to be here.
• Christmas came and went. Honestly, I’m glad it’s over. It was a lot of work! My housemates and I organized a children’s Christmas party, and provided Christmas gifts for over 30 families. It was a lot of shopping, wrapping and delivering of gifts. My patience was tested, the time it takes me to wrap a present has considerably shortened, my ability to multitask has grown and my heart has truly been warmed. There were so many generous donations made by friends of the Inn and because of them we were able to provide so many wonderful families with happy holiday memories.
• I’ve made deeper connections with guests. Sometimes too deep. I’ve been disappointed and had my heart broken by a few of our guests this year. While these times have been difficult I wouldn’t change them. I’m a stronger person because of it.
• I’ve also found overwhelming joy in my “work”. It’s crazy to think of how attached I’ve become. I look forward to my daily hugs from certain guests and the opportunity to talk and listen to so many of our guests each day.

While I only have 4 months (Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!) left there is still a lot I’m looking forward to. Another beautiful Easter at the Inn, our trip to Six Flags, the annual block party….there are so many events still to come. There is however one unavoidable thing I’m not looking forward to…saying goodbye. Even as I type those words I’m tearing up. It’s going to be hard leaving the Inn. Really really hard.

Here’s to an incredible 4 months to come, many more memories and maybe even a few more updates on here!!!

 

Home Sweet Home

The problem with having two places that I consider to be my home is that I am always missing one.

My home in Libertyville is where I grew up. It’s where my family and close friends are. It’s where the streets are familiar and comforting.

My home in Philadelphia is where a large part of my heart is and always will be. It’s where I discovered my faith and in a way myself.

I’m back again in Philly after about a month at (my first) home. I feel rejuvenated and ready to go for another year of volunteer work with FVM at St. Francis Inn.

So while I of course miss my family and the comfortable feeling of being at (my first) home I am incredibly excited to be back at (my current) home. I’m looking forward to getting to know a whole new community, spending time perfecting my cooking skills for a large crowd and diving head first into my ministry work.

It’s good to be back!

Paper or Plastic and Other Important Decisions

Think about all the decisions you make in a single day and all of the choices you have.

Paper or Plastic?

Cash or Credit?

Would you like fries with that? Onion rings more your style?

For those that don’t know, I have been a vegetarian for almost 2 1/2 years.

Initially, my decision to become a vegetarian was about getting healthier and losing a few pounds…a 30-day challenge of sorts. Then it turned into a way of life. Now, I choose not to eat meat for reasons of animal cruelty (I really should try to revisit the “getting healthier” reason…).

Today I was thinking about my decision to become a vegetarian and what it signifies.

I chose to stop eating meat because I wanted to and because I was able to.

I choose to buy groceries that fit my lifestyle and desires.

I choose what I eat and when I eat.

What if I didn’t have a choice?

Not everyone gets to have choices like I am so fortunate to have. Think about it, I work in a soup kitchen where we serve 1 main meal a day at a set time. No choices for the people who have to eat there (notice I didn’t say choose to eat there). Sure, some people who come to eat at the Inn have other options but for many of them it’s their only option. Our guests don’t get a say in the meal of the day or get to be “picky” about what they eat.

It may seem silly that I’m just now making this connection, after all, I’ve been working at the Inn for a year. Sometimes it just takes a while for things that you’ve always known deep down to come to the surface.

When I cook meals at the Inn I tend to make them a bit complicated and often they require a full day in the kitchen to prepare. I use fresh ingredients whenever possible and I often choose not to go the easy route. I could easily make a huge batch of soup where I dump can after can into the big kettle and wait for it to heat up but I’d rather take the time to dice and chop veggies to make something a little bit more meaningful.

I guess it’s my way of making a choice for those who can’t. Would I rather eat condensed soup from a can or beef stew from scratch? If I was a meat-eater I’d be all over that beef stew!

Preparing meals at the Inn requires me to put my beliefs aside but I am able to do it and take great joy in cooking at the Inn because I know that I am having a significant contribution to our guests’ lives.

Think again about all those decisions you make in a single day. Yes, decision making can really suck sometimes but it can also be something truly great. Having the ability to decide what’s in your best interest and making choices that positively impact you is something to be thankful for each and every day.

Coming to an end…

I was so nervous and excited last August. I couldn’t wait to move to Philly and start a year of volunteer work at a place that I love.

Then I blinked.

There is barely over a month left in my first volunteer year…where the heck did this past year go?

Thinking back on all the things I’ve seen and done this year is a bit overwhelming. Thinking about saying goodbye to this year makes me incredibly sad. There were so many things that seemed so very far away last August….a trip to NYC with Brother Fred to see a Broadway play (we did that last week), the St. Francis Inn block party (it was this past Sunday), our Six Flags trip with families at the Inn (coming up this Friday), and our FVM closing retreat (less than a month away).

I can honestly say that this year has been an incredible experience. I’ve grown and changed. I’ve made friendships that are meaningful. I’ve been places I’ve always wanted to go and I’ve done things I never thought I could do.

I’m saddened to see it come to an end yet I’m filled with joy as I look back on this past year and I’m excited for the chance to have another amazing year with FVM.

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I’ve Got Gumption!

Good-bye Spring and Hello Summer!

The heat is here and with it I think people have become crazier than ever!

I was in charge of line-up during the meal this afternoon and boy-o-boy were people on edge. It’s understandable though. Standing outside in a crowded line of people with the sun shining on you waiting for your ticket number to be called isn’t exactly on my list of things to do on a nearly 90 degree day.

But today was no cool autumn day for me either!

Trying to organize said crowded line while attempting to keep track of what number I was on proved to be a difficult task. Eventually, I gave up on calling numbers (shhhh….don’t tell anybody but I don’t always do things the way they are supposed to be done) and it became a–who ever is in line waiting patiently gets to go in next–kind of a day.

While directing people in line and into the dining room I had to make it fun otherwise I would have gone crazy. So sassy Kelly came out. I had a lot of fun joking around with various guests and it made my job a lot more fun for the 90 minutes I was out there.

While I was joking around with one guest he suddenly looked at me and said, ” I like you Kell, you’ve got gumption.”

My response, “you mean I’m sassy?”

His response,”nope, I mean gumption.”

So I said thanks and went home to look up what it meant…I thought I knew what the word meant but I just had to double check to make sure that it wasn’t something bad….you never know!

So incase you need a vocabulary refresher ( and there is no shame in needing one! It’s been a long time since I’ve had to read a novel and pick out 15 words I don’t know and create a vocab chart….did you ever do that in high school?)….the word means having initiative, aggressiveness or resourcefulness. It can also mean someone has courage, spunk, guts, or common sense.

I like it!

Some people may think I’m sassy (and I sometimes am) but I think this word fits me just right!

The Bad and the Good

The Bad:

Upon leaving the Inn on Monday night I stepped in vomit.

That’s right…I stepped in somebody’s puke.

I’ve never been so disgusted in my life.

Of course I laughed (when I wasn’t gagging). I mean what else was I supposed to do? I wasn’t about to go on a hunt for the vomiter…although the thought did cross my mind.

So instead I laughed, gagged and cleaned my shoes off.

Did I mention that I was wearing flip-flops?

The Good:

On Tuesday night I was on bathroom duty during the meal. I enjoy this job because it gives me a chance to really catch-up with some of the guests who come to the Inn.

One guest came into the bathrooms to talk to me and asked me to read something for him. One of my housemates usually helps this guest out when it comes to reading his important mail and other things…but she had the night off so he came to me.

Of course I said yes and he pulled out this packet of poetry. He flipped to a page that was titled Caring and handed it to me. I asked what this was that I was about to read and he told me that it was a poem his 16 year old daughter wrote. His 16 year old daughter that has problems with drugs and getting into trouble with the law. His 16 year old daughter who has her final court date on Monday to determine her sentence.

I read the short yet powerful poem aloud and when I looked up at this guest he had tears in his eyes and said, “I’m going to get a frame for that.”

The Bad and the Good:

People often ask me what the best and worst parts about volunteering at a soup kitchen are.

The bad parts are seeing people struggle with addictions and being witness to the horrible cycle of poverty. Seeing a young mother clean, sober and taking care of her children for several months and then watching as she begins to look worse and worse. Then one day she comes to eat and nods out while she’s eating…with her two young children sitting at the table with her. The bad parts are the things that I can’t control. I can’t make someone stop using drugs or alcohol, I can’t make a mother care for her children, I can’t get someone’s welfare reinstated once they’ve lost it because they make too much money ($9 an hour) even though they have 7 children to feed.

The good parts make all the sadness and frustration worth it though. The hugs, the smiles and amazing conversations I have with the guests at the Inn and the joking around and sense of family I feel from those who I see almost every day makes this experience so special and meaningful. The opportunities I have had to truly make a difference in people’s lives have been incredible. From providing Christmas gifts for children who would have otherwise had nothing, to moving a mother and her children into a new house this past winter because her old place had no heat and helping an abused woman find somewhere safe to go.

I have been so blessed to have so many eye opening opportunities this year…the bad and the good have made this experience challenging, thought-provoking, heartfelt and beautiful. There isn’t a thing I would change.

Well, I take that back. There is one thing I would change…I would like to go back to Monday night and step around the vomit instead of stepping in it.

It Gets Better

I’m always looking to be inspired.

Nature, a song, someone’s beautiful words, a captivating picture—anything and everything can be inspiring.

Last week while watching Glee a commercial came on that inspired me.

I got chills and was teary-eyed. If I had been alone I probably would have been all out crying.

The commercial was for Google Chrome and the It Gets Better Project.

A beautiful, wonderful, completely inspiring project.

I was so touched by the words that were spoken. I was moved to tears.

I was so fortunate to have not been a victim of any severe bullying in school but I know that there are so many, too many, kids that aren’t and weren’t as fortunate.

Being bullied for being different—no matter what that difference is…your sexual orientation, your weight, your socioeconomic status, your fashion sense, your personality…—is a vicious thing.

While processing the message of the It Gets Better Project, the teacher side of me thinks of all the creative, meaningful ways that I could help to prevent bullying and promote tolerance and love in my classroom and school.

Right now though, I’m not a teacher.

There is a new side of me that I’m experiencing now—the Kelly who isn’t confined to a classroom and doesn’t have an immediate way to make an impact on an impressionable group of young kids.

So what can I do now to put a stop to bullying and harassment and show my support for those who need it?

Speaking up is a hard thing to do but it must be done.

Taking small but meaningful steps is important. If you are a supporter of LGBT rights—human rights—check out the It Gets Better Project and see for yourself what it’s all about.

There is a pledge on the website that anyone who is committed to spreading tolerance and hope, and, speaking up against hate and intolerance can sign.

Sign the pledge and honor it. Don’t sign just to do it. Sign because you mean it. Sign because you care about the thousands of kids who are harassed as a result of being true to themselves. Sign because you can’t bear to hear about another young person taking their own life because they can’t handle the harassment anymore. Sign because there is no reason not to sign.

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